Letter to our Family

My dear family and friends,

As I sit to write this letter, I am humbled, and my heart is full. I wish to share with you the feelings and thoughts of my heart, and I pray that the spirit in which you receive my words, will be the same spirit in which I write them.

These past 2 weeks have been trying for me for several reasons. The loss of my sweet Brycen has been so much more than my heart could bare on my own. I have struggled with thoughts of inadequacy, failure, and loneliness. My testimony has been tried, and many times I have felt lost with regard to my position in this life and what my purpose really is. My life has been forever changed, and though I would have it back as it was in a heart beat, I know that whatever the Lord has in store for me, is what I must continue on to discover.

If I might, I wish to share with you some of the important lessons I have learned as I have begun my new journey through these “uncharted waters”. As I sat holding my baby, my pleadings to the Lord took on a new urgency. I knew I needed help. I knew I could not meet this challenge without His help, and He lovingly provided. The first people in my home were my beloved Bishop and my sweet Relief Society President. When I pleaded for the Lord’s help, his servant laid his hands on my head and gave me a blessing that has changed my life. I had a very real and very sacred experience that I will always treasure. I give eternal thanks for the strength of a worthy, honorable man who brought Heaven’s power into my home and my life, in a way that it had not been before. So many blessings began to pour in, before I could even acknowledge what was occurring. The gifts of service came from not only members of our faith, but from those who felt moved to grieve and share comfort with my family. My home became a place of peace, love and comfort; what I had always hoped it would be.

I felt an uncommon urgency to be in the temple. I yearned for the spirit that I knew I would feel there. I knew that Brycen would be closest to me there, and would comfort me in a way I would not be able to feel in the outside world. It was very difficult for me. The tears flowed without recourse, and I love and appreciate those beautiful sisters who held me and soothed my pain. As Johnathan and I approached the Celestial room of the temple, I felt a peace that is indescribable. For the first time in 2 days, I rested. We have returned many times, still requesting of the Lord the peace and comfort we know He can give, and have felt His arms encircle us; what a glorious feeling!

I feel it necessary to tell you of one of my dearest experiences. While in the temple I knelt praying for comfort. I told the Lord that I needed help, and as I cried and prayed I was told in a very confident impression, that I needed to look around me. I was told that the Father was taking care of me by sending those who love us and care for us, to my home. My part was to allow the service, prayers and comfort to fill the emptiness and to permit the love of the Father and His Son Jesus Christ to change my life. I knew that my experience was given to me that I might share Heavenly Father’s love with all those I come in contact with. I know there will be others that will need to know the lessons I have learned, and I have been given a unique blessing to be able to share all I have with them.

Do I feel sad, yes. My brief time with Brycen was the greatest blessing this life has afforded me as a mother and a woman, and my arms ache to hold him, as any mother holds and cherishes her child. Do I feel lost or alone, NO! Brycen is near me--I know that. I believe he has helped me write these words tonight. I will need to learn patience---patience for the Lord’s timing, and patience in knowing everything has order in His Kingdom. I believe the Lord has been so very gracious with me, and has blessed me in so many ways, even ones that I may never know until I reach my heavenly home. Am I going to make it there, ABSOLUTELY!! The Plan of Salvation is real! God is real! He lost His son too. Now I know how He must have felt, and how grateful I am that He allowed the Atonement to take place, even amidst the heartache I am certain He felt for His son ! He loves us that much--it’s a perfect love and it comes from the purest source. What love I feel for my Savior; my brother. What love I feel for Joseph Smith; a man who sacrificed his mortal existence for what he knew--not what he thought was a good idea--what he knew to be truth. Do we comprehend the reality of it all? If you don’t, I plead with you to get on your knees and find out for yourself! I am so blessed! I have been given the world and all it’s beauty--now I look forward to taking the beauty and giving it back to the world! I LOVE YOU ALL!! I love the Lord and his Son Jesus Christ. I can’t wait to see Brycen again!